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WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION
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In my latest contributions to this space I unfolded plans for the reorganization of the Federal Government to serve the people more efficiently. Since you can't keep up that kind of thing forever, I'm on a different tack today and hereby present a dialogue dealing with the ever-expanding field of product liability:
Telephone rings: "Hello, Happy Valley Sanitarium. To whom do you wish to speak?"
Caller: "This is Mr. Howey Gryndem of Fyndem and Gryndem, attorneys. I’d like to speak to Mr. Phil Nelson of your staff."
Sanitarium: "Please hold."
Sanitarium: "Hello, this is Nelson."
Caller: "Phil, this is Howey. I heard you got somebody for me up there."
San. "Well, it depends. Are you goin’ after the fast food places?"
Caller: "Sure we are. We about wore out the tobacco people. But we figure we can score big
bucks of f the hamburger crowd for making people fat."
San: "Well you’ll like my gal then. She’s fat and she’ll swear to anything. She’ll swear
hamburgers gave her AIDS."
Caller: "Has she got AIDS? Did she get it before or after she went to McDonalds?"
San: "Before, after, what’s the difference? She went to McDonalds and she’s got AIDS.
What more do you want?"
Caller: "Well, you know you gotta have a connection. Was this McDonalds in the Village?
That might be one."
San: "Listen, she couldn’t stay out of them wherever they were."
Caller: "Okay. We’ll try it that way. Boy, some of those people you send me, I think the jurors are getting a little bit suspicious. You’ll have to do better or you won’t be goin’ on any more trips in my Strat-O-Cruiser."
San: "Is that what you got now? You used to just have a Cessna. You’re doing all right, huh?"
Caller: "Well, I need it for the business, you know. I coulda bought a whole fleet with
that tobacco dough, but I don’t like to be ostentatious I mean, floods in China, earthquakes in Turkey, something in this country, I can just fly in, get some retainers signed, pass out a few cards, and back to the office. But listen, tell me about this new broad. Can she con, I mean, convince a jury?
San: "Yeah, unless it’s a blue ribbon jury."
Caller: "Oh, we don’t have them anymore. Only morons now. Supreme Court said anything
anything else would be discriminatory."
San: "Lucky for you."
Caller: "Lucky, my eye. Money talks, buddy. Now tell me about this witness. What’s her problem? What’s she doing at the funny farm? Who’s she think she is? Napoleon?"
San: "No, it’s Eleanor Roosevelt."
Caller: "Oh boy. How does she know? Hillary Clinton come to consult her?"
San: "That’s what she says, but I ain’t seen her. But don’t worry about her. When she smells the bucks, she’ll be all right."
Caller: "Man, a raving psycho for a witness. It’s terrible what those burgers can do. That oughta work. Send her down, I’ll take a chance. You’ll be hearing from me."
San: "Well I should hope so. By the way, don’t mind if she calls you Franklin now and then,
okay?"
Caller: "Franklin? Oh I get it. The old man, huh? What’s she call you?"
San: "She thinks I’m Winston Churchill."
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