WILL GERMANY MARCH AGAIN? The latest reports out of Germany are to the effect that if John Kerry wins the election and then appeals to nations refusing us aid in Iraq, he will be heard with sympathy in the Fourth Reich. The German Foreign Minister says that the question of sending German troops to participate in the occupation will be reconsidered if “he asks us in a really nice way”. This is encouraging news. The American Joint Chiefs of Staff, who at first reacted with horror to the idea, believing that the Germans were proposing to join the Iraqis in a Blitzkrieg against the American forces, have now announced that they will welcome the arrival of the First Erwin Rommel Panzer Divisionen, known as the Desert Foxes, to fight side-by-side with American forces against the Iraqi partisans, that is, terrorists. Reaction was mixed in other capitals. Premier Putin of Russia was reported to have turned pale at the news and told his cabinet “Iraq is Dreck! Those bastards are warming up for another go at us! I want the Red Army placed on full alert immediately! And put the Berlin Wall back up too!” The official statement issued by the Foreign Ministry said only that “Russia will be watching developments closely”. The provisional president of Iraq said only “The arrival of German troops in one’s country is always a matter to be taken seriously, in fact with fear and trembling. We will make them welcome here provided their intentions are honorable, but any attempt at Anschluss will be resisted by the united Iraqi people, who will immediately stop bombing each other and turn their attention to the common enemy. We have been greatly encouraged by our study of Hollywood war films, which have shown us that though the Germans have real boss uniforms, their sentries are always very careless and are easily disposed of by assassins with knives sneaking up on them from behind. Man, just lead us to them!” French sources reacted with caution to the news. Some said that if Germany sent troops, France could hardly fail to match them with some of her own, if only for the purpose of keeping an eye on them. It was suggested in some circles that the two forces could dispel the tedium of the joint occupation by staging reenactments of some of their famous battles of the past, such as Verdun and Sedan. Others expressed fears that this could spark a revival of old animosities, possibly resulting in serious casualties among the re-enactors. In any case, it was said, no French blood would be squandered in such affairs. The units to be sent to Iraq would come from the Foreign Legion. Certainement. Que voulez-vous? Great Britain greeted the news with typical British reserve. Other than calling out the reserves, stationing barrage balloons over London and piling sandbags around the House of Commons and Buckingham Palace, official reaction was muted. The man in the street dismissed the news lightly, calling it just another war scare and refusing to believe that “’Itler” was back in power. After all, said one, “The blighter’s been dead for fifty years and it stands to reason that they didn’t ’ave cloning in his time, so there’s nothing to worry about”. All the same business was brisk at pubs, where Britons traditionally resort to calm their nerves in times of crisis. Prime Minister Tony Blair was reported to have led his government on a pilgrimage to the grave of Winston Churchill, there to seek counsel from the spirit of the departed leader. The Archbishop of Canterbury has decreed a National Day of Prayer for Sunday. On the principle that it’s an ill wind that blows no one any good, Hollywood has found a silver lining in the news from Berlin. Studios are rushing to re-release such wartime epics as “The Longest Day”, “The Guns of Navarrone”, “ Operation Crossbow”, “13 Rue Madeline” and dozens of other action films. Since practically all of the casts of these pictures are dead, there is now a hunt on for lookalike actors to work in the many sequels that are planned. Nazi villains are particularly in demand. For “Return to Casablanca” someone is needed to play Conrad Veidt’s role as Major Strasser. For “Man Hunt II”, a George Sanders is need for the role of Quive-Smith. A replacement for Eric Von Stroheim, the original “Man You Love to Hate” is needed to play General Rommel and a dozen other roles. Also greatly missed are dear old Felix Bressart and Leonid Kinsky, always together, always victims. Martin Kosleck and Joseph Calleia used to eat their lunch. Then there were the ladies. Signe Hasso, Mady Christians, Gale Sondergaard, Maria Ouspenskaya, to mention a few. The names you can’t forget. Their sex appeal didn’t exactly cause one’s temperature to rise or pulse to race, but they knew how to freeze one’s blood. They too are irreplaceable. We have to put up with this, but there is at least one link with the past that remains. The German Army still goosesteps. They insist on continuing this tradition. Their commanding officer General Brunckhorst had this to say about it in a recent interview: “Vidout der goosestep der Choiman Army don’t even exist, nicht war? (From here on the general’s remarks will be rendered in English) Listen, we’ve used the goosestep everywhere we’ve gone, Russia, Poland, Fra…, well, in a lotta places, you know. Wouldn’t be the same without it. Well, maybe I can get the boys to cool it a bit and only do it at night. By the way, you ever notice that the guards in Red Square in Moscow also goosestep? By me that means one thing -- those bastards are warming up for another go at us!” Although the current reports from Berlin only deal with the possibility of Germany collaborating with a Kerry administration, some observers do not rule out a possible collaboration with the Bush administration if reelected. Some member of the government are reported to feel that Germany might as well make the best of things and make the best deal it can with Mr. Bush, even if it means sending forces to Iraq, Iran, Syria, North Korea, the Sudan, Saudi Arabia, and at least one other empire to be named later. In return Mr. Bush is believed to have promised to designate any expeditionary force sent to Somalia or the Sudan as the Afrika Korps. Whoever is elected in the U.S., it is expected that a conference will be convened in Europe early next year to discuss the possible participation of European forces in America’s adventures. The top items for discussion will be the number of troops to be sent to Iraq by each nation and how to keep them out of each others’ hair once they get there. The French and the Poles, longtime allies, will be quartered together and are expected to get along like ‘a house afire’ since the French have discovered vodka, and now prefer it to wine, which they find boring. The Poles on the other hand consider it just the thing for tapering off with. Germans and Russians will be stationed 1,000 miles from each other and from everybody else as well. The conference will take place, of course, at Munich.
Designed and Hosted by Online Ontime Ltd.