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The ghoulies and ghosties are out and flying through the land casting spells
and charms, conjuring up spirits, saying black masses and engaging in other
activities against the peace and dignity of our lord the king, whom God
preserve. This was the form of the charges against witches in the English courts
before they were burnt at the stake, but even so they went on curdling milk,
drying up cattle and otherwise making life difficult for those they disliked.
They were the first “activists”.
But not the last. Their spiritual descendants are flourishing today and we
have just had a remarkable demonstration of their power. I refer of course to
the wonders recently worked in the traditional home of American witches, that
is, in Salem. Salem, as you know, is in Massachusetts. So is Boston. Do you
follow me? Or do you think that it was just some strange coincidence that a
total of fifty healthy, husky men were thrown into a somnambulistic trance in
the baseball playoffs and made to submit to the domination of the Salem
Sorcerers, otherwise known as the Boston Red Sox? To anyone familiar with the black
arts the thing was as plain as a…broomstick. The Yankees and the Cardinals
never knew what hit them. They were cruising along expecting easy pickings and
all of a sudden it was the witching hour and -- Trance Time!
They swung at balls that were never there, tripped over snares laid in the
grass for them by the Little People, heard voices telling them to throw to the
wrong base, felt a film come over their eyes causing them not to notice that
the man at bat was seven feet tall and 300 pounds and was going to hit a home
run out of the park, so that it was just child’s play for the enchanted warriors
of New England to dispose of them like so many munchkins. The Salem witches
are back and they’re taking over!
Clearly they are exerting a strong influence on the election as well. It is
no accident that one of the candidates is a Massachusetts man under their
control. He is hoping that they can cast a spell that will do for him what the
October one did for the Sox. There are powerful supernatural forces working
against him though. Every time Bush stumbles over himself in a speech or loses a
battle in Iraq or is caught remitting the taxes of the hated rich, they cause
a distraction to occur to shift attention from the figures to whom it should
properly be directed, the fascist hyena and his running mate Cheney. The
Salemite’s friends commit forgery, it is found that he has never been in Cambodia,
although to be fair, he has been in both Mongolia and Ethiopia, his party in
Ohio has been registering repeaters en masse, and people blame him and waver
in their faith, just when he had Bush in a stranglehold with his eyes beginning
to bulge. It’s enough to make a man doubt the power of black magic.
But the show must go on and so the contestants return to the ring, with or
without the aid of the powers and principalities of the air. Only the people
are getting tired of seeing only them and it’s time to brighten things up with
some new faces to add variety to the act. One man brings in the famed movie
star Harrison Garrison, the other has the Governor of Lower California, Ludwig
Von Drake. So far no trapeze artists or kootchie dancers have been
introduced, but their turn will come.
Here in New York, though, it’s all just a rumor to us. Nobody bothers to
come here because we’re known to be a lock for the Democrats, so that they say
What’s the point? and the Republicans say What’s the use? That’s how far 26
electoral votes will get you when you have thrown yourself exclusively into
the arms of one lover and shut all the others out no matter how anxious they are
to embrace you and make your girlish dreams come true. Your steady just
takes you for granted and treats you as part of the furniture. Meanwhile all the
other girls are having a dizzy time flitting from one man to another, teasing
them, leading them on, and always leaving them with hope that even though in
this election you jilted them for another guy, you still might come back to
them next time. These are the ladies that get the flowers and the jewels and the
furs and the invitations, while poor old Alice-sit-by-the-fire New York gets
nothing but a lump of coal in her stocking. You gotta learn to play the
field, Alice.
So we read that Ohio has a thing going with Bush while not forgetting Kerry,
while Wisconsin is coquetting with Kerry, but might go for Bush, and Michigan
can’t make up its mind at all. One thing they all know, though, is that they’
re getting a mad rush from both parties and their dance cards are always
full.
Now Osama Bin Laden is getting into the act. He feels the excitement too and
wants a piece of it. And I will bet he’s not the only one. I have always
been convinced that elections breed more elections. England is a good example.
The English gentry always got great enjoyment from their parliamentary
elections when they were confined to their own class. They were the only ones
eligible to vote and they relished the excitement of rallying their supporters
behind marching bands banging on drums, with drink flowing, ladies canvassing the
electors, election dinners, election balls, celebrations of all kinds and
excitement everywhere. All this while the common folk looked on and took no part
in all the activity. They were excluded.
It came as a great shock to the upper classes to find out that their
inferiors resented this and wanted to get in on the fun. They learned that you simply
couldn’t throw a big party in the heart of town without people trying to
crash it. They considered you to be challenging them and they rose to the
challenge. The result was the Reform Bill of 1832 and the later one of 1867, and
more after that until finally everyone in England had the vote and elections were
no more exclusive than a ride on the subway.
That’s how it happened in one country. I think it’s now set to happen
internationally. When a Bin Laden injects himself into an American election, it’s a
portent of what others will do. Today their eyes are fixed on our election
in a way that’s never happened before. Universal communication has made this
possible. Tomorrow these people are going to want elections of their own. They
’ll have seen the crowds roaring, the flags waving, the orators sweating, and
they’ll want to get in on it and feel the rush. They’ll dress up their
demands with appeals to the principles of democracy, the rights of man, and all
the historic arguments for popular government, but down deep there’ll be the
itch for a good fight with the bloodshed omitted and the excitement at a peak.
In other words democracy is a good show and everyone likes a show. They could
do worse.
In a few years it will be happening even in China. And Uncle Sam will have
done it all.
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